It's Not More Fun (In The Philippines) Sans Eyes and Limbs

"In individuals, insanity is rare; but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

The backdrop was by any means reminiscent of World War 2 except for the obvious works of art that lit up the sky - the atrociously ear-piercing explosions here and there that you thought the metropolis just fell at the hands of the ISIS - and by then had their hands full massacring every breathing Filipino at every turn so that you scurried for dear life. If not for reveling faces on the ground that compete as to who gets to detonate the loudest arsenal to 'scare off some naughty spirits' that bring bad luck for the new year - the world war 2 scenario is completely resurrected but with a catch: almost all injuries are self-inflicted from failed 'suicide attempts' - in this case one's own limbs and eyes are deliberately the targets.

It is the era of genetics, stem cell phenomenon, and Kim K 'breaking the internet' - yet these are miniatures of an achievement compared to what tradition-infested Philippines have conquered. Not even the lame and subdued pyrotechnics display (by Filipino standard) of first-in-a-beeline Auckland and Sydney, nor the extravagantly splendid but fleeting Burj Khalifa stunts, nor the Times Square revelry - not even an inch can compare to the bloody pursuits of Filipinos for a really 'enjoyable and prosperous new year ahead'.

Take this: despite the looming fare hike in MRT and LRT greeting the 20 plus million residents of Metropolitan Manila who mostly go about with their lives availing of this transport system - the temerity to allocate a rather big chunk of their hard-earned income to buy firecrackers to greet the new year is such that a plate of pale spaghetti paired up with some nearly rotten round fruits will suffice - for as long as firecrackers are stacked up in abundance to get the rear of those naughty evil spirits off lest they'll get asphyxiated from smoke and render them deaf from loud bangs so that they no longer pester again our religious Filipinos all throughout the new year.

This powerful Filipino tradition is world-renown in both ways: the incomparable revelry characterized by bomb-like explosions and ground shakes that may at times compel PHIVOLCS to frantically announce they are yet to come up with a device on how to differentiate an authentic earth movement from a Goodbye Philippines or Bin Laden-triggered earth shake, for one - and the inexplicable insanity Filipinos might be suffering from, for another.

Reasons why the world collectively thinks Filipinos have gone insane and have reasons to point finger at science or maybe religion for not being able to rescue this group of people from the torture of perpetual madness it is being subjected to:

1. Firecrackers and Guns

• In any random place imaginable, there is no shortage of mangled limbs and fingers you see squiggling on the ground and struggling to find their rightful owners whom you find staggering and gasping for clean air amid the smothering smoke that equally devastates their lungs. And also those who lost eyesight on new year's eve are not to be denied of the limelight - at least they too are given substantial media mileage that their new-found fame reaches their already wailing OFW relatives who also have to deal with oppressive employers. (*When the UN releases figures in February as to which country takes the cake with most amputees at the first salvo of 2015 - surely Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, Pakistan and Yemen would be fuming mad and green with envy at Filipinos who dared join their league and rightfully snatched the crown from them.)

• An average Filipino thinks the more firecrackers he blows up and the louder it gets, the more chances bad luck and bad spirits get mortified at the thought of being bombed out and unable to perfectly piece their tails and horns together. (*yeah, speaking of spirits, right? at least humans called Filipinos beat  Casper's progeny in this one, hands down. "Better luck next time you filthy ghosts, prove your being a sport and get back as soon as you figure already on how to counter smart Filipinos' weaponry. But man don't trip over limbs and eyeballs on your way out, you may find some, just to remind yah!" 

• New year is perfect time to show off that they have tons of money hence tons of firecrackers - and the loudest and brightest home is assumed to have the most money in the neighborhood - to which they should remain the loudest and foggiest till sunshine to erase any doubts of their accolade.  Filipinos are way too assertive of anything, in this case, of his reputation. Ego unlimited eh?(and oh by the way, this competition dates back since time immemorial and may or may have not directly triggered Filipino exodus to other countries to keep tradition afloat from generation to generation.)

• Parents especially those from the slum areas lack training on how to teach their kids to differentiate edibles from non-edibles. Proof is, cases of kids ingesting firecrackers they mistake for food or candies, are mounting. (At least the taste-first-before-swallow approach by Freud should have been taught at the oral stage.)

• Gun owners are in a frenzy to fire bullets into air thinking government has its hand full to bother and keep them in its worry list amid the Bilibid scandal and Ruby-Senyang trails of destruction. (In fact, pictures on Facebook posted by the thugs themselves firing their rifles and ammunition into the air on new year's eve can vouch to that thought-pattern. Unfortunately for the ego-maniacs, netizens who were not impressed go on an online rampage that nudged police from their tipsy state to get those thugs to answer for their 'showmanship'.)

• Figures from New year's eve fatalities attributed to 'random firing into air' is but a  common scenario because people cannot be held back from such tradition. Meaning, no entity from above and below can interfere with tradition dearly held by some macho thugs that "rifles and guns are naturally fired into air notwithstanding the bullets coming back to the ground to kill innocent people". (So, the agony of those who lost their loved ones from bullets fired indiscriminately are prolonged, the fact that no one has yet to answer for this heinous crime. But you cannot fight tradition, right?)

• While all sectors of society are into relentless revelry, the same cannot be said of the doctors and nurses who have to work round-the-clock to treat the injured in 'battle'. Though some of those who emerged alive from their 'battles with bad spirits' and are  projected to keep their limbs intact - others, young and old alike, battle to contain the shame and pain of losing limbs and fingers, or burnt faces. Unfortunately for some who lost an eye - a last fair request to do a selfie may not be the best memento to keep when one loses his ability to steady the lens. (I think it's but a natural thing to do to commend these medical practitioners for their professionalism and dedication in the service of the injured. Surely, it takes great passion and precision to be able to cut-and-saw mangled limbs while not losing the spirit of media noche. Proof is, there was no report that a spaghetti perched next to a bloody gauze flew into a sutured wound.)

• I think it's insanity of the highest order when over 2000 families in Quezon City lost their homes in the early morning of January 1, 2015 due to a firecracker that was set-off  by children resulting to a huge inferno that claimed some lives, and needless to say dashed hopes of those poor residents for a better and prosperous new year. (oh tradition, people will die to fight for tradition, and oh some of them did get killed by tradition, literally. The bad news is:  the trend is here to stay as long as those who survived did not learn their lessons - and the good news for those who can keep their reason: the prognosis is, they may live longer.)

2. Food

• Ushering new year is the time of the year when Filipinos believe that dining tables should be overflowing with food that signals abundance and prosperity for the entire new year. And abundance means lechon, cholesterol-laden oily foods, carb-rich entrees and desserts, and heavy beverages congesting their table. In the Philippines this is the perfect picture of a dining table that epitomizes abundance and prosperity. If you're a health buff and insists on seeing unconventional green leafy menu on the table, chances are you're a spoiler of tradition and promptly labeled.(In case you stand true to your conviction, be of good cheer, who knows, you're may be up for a rigorous task next: transporting those who fall like snows in blizzard - to the nearest emergency - maybe, just maybe.;)

• Of course in every argument there is pros and cons. If the well-to-do families can fill their tables to the brim with sumptuous foods and the next day they populate hospitals due to usual suspects i.e. cardiovascular issue, high blood and stroke - poor families on the other hand are not that constrained for obvious reasons. So the poor, though wallowing in their supposed inability to cope up with tradition, they in the end win the race for flatter belly and longevity - something that the flip side (those with talents in stuffing their bellies with carbs and drowning themselves in pork oil) have to only dream about in their hospital bed. (this opinion is only brought up for the sake of sarcasm but does not in any way generalize, but is partly true. ;)

Feng Shui

• I am not referring to the title of a horror film moviegoers are raving about, it is about the Filipinos' undiminished belief in lucky charms that they would do anything to follow the advice of supposedly 'feng shui experts' to usher in all the 'good luck and positivity' for the new year. The advice comes with selling lucky charms to the 'gullible majority' composed mostly of 'can-afford' families who leave no options to omit one single lucky charm if only to scoop up all the good fortunes on offer. 

• Unbeknownst to many, it is imperative for feng shui 'experts' to master the book "How to Trick the Greedy and Gullible" before plying their trade - and part of the Trick 101 is to establish a name in media - in this case, maybe befriend a tv host, or lucky them, if they get a presidential sister to tour to their feng shui shop and pretend to adore her acting prowess that should have won her the MMFF acting award. Then the greater the media mileage, the longer the beeline formed by clients to seek advice - and the louder these 'experts' laugh their way to the bank.

• Judging on the bad luck that befell those thousands who lost their homes from fire on new year's eve, it's safe to assume that none of them heeded the advice from feng shui experts: to stuff their homes with lucky charms, hence the bad luck that greeted them on the first day of new year. But who's to blame when those slum dwellers have only had scant meal on their table let alone get a lucky charm even at a bargain?

• And just how true is the report that on the last day of 2014, all city hall employees of Makati were deployed to Binondo and Quiapo to shop for the most potent amulets and charms available to be buried beneath the most expensive parking building on the planet and under their master's palatial mansions? If in the next few weeks survey results say their master had stretched his lead, then the reports were in fact true. (But whatever happened to GMA with all the best feng shui experts surrounding her and her hospital bed adorned in glittering lucky charms that all she could muster for herself was a Christmas furlough? Umm, maybe some spirits have developed fondness for Pnoy even before his Vice-Ganda interview?)

Firecrackers, Food binge and Feng Shui are but staples in new year's tradition some Filipinos cannot live without. But who cares about what the world have to say? When the world has ISIS to deal with, and the French losing their country to Islamists - with the Americans still obsessed with their Bieber, Pitt-Jolie and Game of Thrones - and Kim Jung Un has some catching up to do from briefly losing his internet - the Filipinos' notoriety in ushering a new year with a fraction of its citizens losing limbs and eyes, is just a testament that Filipinos are a unique people - world-renown for its peculiarity, even if it means the whole world shifts its eyes in unison at a glaring endemic stupidity insanity - but for the sake of political correctness, you get ambiguous silence which means either scorn or respect. And so there shall be peace! Happy New Year!

It's More Fun In The Philippines When You Have Complete Set Of Limbs

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." - Albert Einstein

In elementary, we were taught that Bayanihan only existed in the Philippines. The iconic scene that is of a nipa hut with both ends perched on the shoulders of men in the village and carried off to a nearby place, comes to mind.  Volunteers sometimes run a risk of getting stuck in the mud and losing the balance, if unfortunate the hut follows somersaulting into the dirt mud. Then cheering women let out a scream in unison that turns into laughter. Men stuttered by the sheer weight can't help but join wriggling in laughter as women start to pick on them for having lost their stamina in a previous night's grind. My  childhood memories store of similar scenes from where I grew up and indeed our Bayanihan is a virtue that is one of a kind, if not unparalleled, even so intellectuals grapple to find its foreign equivalent, the jargon of sort, at least.

Okay, we own the patent for that world-renowned virtue embedded in our culture. So what's next? Of course we are darn proud of our customs and tradition. We are proud to be Filipinos. We are  proud of our race. We are the best and we are willing to don belt bomb to annihilate skeptics. It is but natural, no argument here. (In fact, this one here has a familiar banner gleaming over the sidebar of his blog). But ask one sincere fellow whose candor to say he is not proud to be one could spontaneously provoke a race to set up a Facebook page condemning him and putting him in the same breath as the anti-christ. Add up some smart mind literally swimming in wealth due to the success of a venture on polo shirt with the ubiquitous Philippine map emblazoned on it, for a proof.

Of course, this degree of patriotism does not only thrive within  domestic confines, more so a bold statement a Filipino carries with him beyond his shores. In the streets of Jeddah, one does not need to make a wild guess whether the driver is an Indonesian or a Filipino. Tendency is, the gleaming tri-colors and I love Philippines stickers spread across the windshield or trunk of the car serve for easy identification, well, in this case it makes  a patriotic compatriot easy target for a cruising hormonally charged local.

Now here goes the question: What is the relevance of us being proud to the gruesome photo above? Okay, we are proud to be Filipinos, right? And we are super proud of our tradition too. So it's about time that we own up too to the colossal embarrassment that we rightfully deserve from a taunting world because of our world-renowned  New Year's tradition.

Random Thoughts on the 3 Fs of New Year's Tradition in the Philippines:

Food: For the well-to-dos, ushering the new year should be a picture of opulence that dining tables overflow with sumptuous food. Mountains of carb-rich and cholesterol-laden menus adorn tasseled tables of the well-to-dos that leftovers could still feed an entire village - not the typical scene you find in poor households. The month-long holiday mode in December sets the norm for food bingeing that  the omni-present Christmas parties get a malevolent middle finger for a palm-sized increase in waistlines as the year culminates. High-end hospitals similarly enjoy the perks of draining cash from rich patients, whose talents at stuffing their bellies to the brim trigger the hypertension and cardiovascular issues in them. And some who survived the death threat still get the chance to flock online, filtering on the very best advice on how to get rid of the curse slash proof of gastronomic indulgences. So they say, at least they're active in promoting what our culture teaches us: to welcome and feel the Christmas spirit in the form of food, exchange gifts, getting drunk, debauchery, excessive revelry and some endless and senseless partying.

The stark contrast of Christmas 'spirit' seen in poor families is hardly surprising, given the glaring gap between two social levels. The poor do not see Christmas and New Year much of happy holidays when nothing has changed much in their dining table. Not many similar left-and-right invitations for some Christmas gathering; a stray one could prove a nuisance to their daily quest for a living, yes even for a day. Christmas parties at school of their kids can sometimes pose a problem for parents who find mandatory exchange gifts a real burden. But in the race for a flatter belly after the holidays, the poor win hands down. They don't have much to burn; good for them, their daily grind for a living does them a favor. Observe a decrepit cart-pushing man in his topless along the streets of Manila and you will envy at his six-pack you would want to trade your skin-encased blubber with his, except for his trade.

Firecrackers: It is without a doubt that no other country on the planet comes close to the fame the Philippines enjoy for being outrageously crazy over New Year celebrations. What new year revelry in the Philippines without fire crackers? And what new year celebration without flying limbs and blown-up fingers strewn across empty spaces, where adults and kids alike compete setting light to bombs like Goodbye Philippines and Bin Laden?

The Philippines has laws in placed banning powerful firecrackers that perennially gift significant members of population on new year's eve the following:  bombed-out limbs, mangled fingers, blown-up faces, and take this - mangled bodies reminiscent of Baghdad bombings where relatives struggle to piece together their dead's limbs and entrails. Forget about those laws. They were made to make it appear that the government is doing something else besides plundering and milking the cows.

And what government can constrain a determined people bound by tradition and belief that loud  and scary explosions  actually scare evil spirits off? (By the way, if nations of evil spirits were successfully driven out year after another, we would have succeeded in jailing the politicians and illegal loggers who conspired to wipe off a substantial populace in Cagayan de Oro and Iligan. We would have sent the Marcoses in jail in the company of a pardoned convicted plunderer, and the Arroyo clan that occupy rightful places alongside greatest corrupt leaders in history. And the list goes on and on.)

To make a really credible point here, the data below and actual situation in the wake of New Year's celebration especially in Manila have given weight to the shift of world's attention on us, not with awe but  this time a well-deserved contempt:

• 916 firecrackers-related injuries - combine the power of Goodbye Philippines, Goodbye Universe and Bin Laden and you will get a real war zone reminiscent of World War 2 that rendered Manila the most devastated capital next to Warsaw. The world has been educated that the Philippines is a third-world country famous for its manpower export, but New Year tradition in the country is tantamount to  hundreds of millions of pesos spent on  firecrackers, in addition to millions worth of destroyed properties and lost lives brought about by careless handling of these explosives - all for the sake of tradition. So, despite their award-winning campaign to keep limbs still attached to their owners come 2012, people at the Department of Health were reduced to tears, not for overflowing compassion for the victims but of feeling slighted when all they had to deal with were a bunch of boneheads.

• 28 injuries caused by stray bullets (a handful of them died) - who else feel entitled to spray the air with bullets with complete disregard for innocent recipients of their bullets of arrogance, but the men in uniform and educated individuals? This is the worst part of the New Year tradition when monsters are itching to pull the trigger of their guns, knowing fully well that at some point the bullets will be buried in the bodies of the unlucky ones in a mega city of over 20 million. When does killing another person become acceptable for the sake of tradition? When does revelry become a license to cause others to mourn? Okay, it's a given, where else but the Philippines where revelry is equivalent to savagery. 

• 5 kids injured for ingesting firecrackers - perhaps parents underestimate the dire consequences, thus the complacency and carelessness to keep firecrackers close to their kids' mouths, or as one CNN comment puts it - these being "easily edible when nothing is on the table save for four corners". When have we become a country of responsible parents, when 85%  of the population squirm in poverty and disease due to overpopulation propagated by the Catholic church and sanctioned by the government? 

• An international airport unable to handle air traffic due to thick smog hovering over Metro Manila - and now that's very self-explanatory. People cannot just curse the smog and pray it away when its sheer thickness can shield the whole city from hailstones as big as Pacquiao's fist. Include the upsurge in respiratory illnesses that cause a stampede to get to emergency rooms first, then we have a bunch of people to blame for preferring fried chicken over vegetables that weaken their immune system. Please forget the amount of toxins they inhale - they are there to stay for weeks, or months - so count them as part of their existence - remember there are still remnants of Bin Ladens that didn't get to explode.

Feng Shui: Of course this is big fat business. Remember how so-called Feng Shui experts find their lives changed? Most of them live glamorous and opulent lives. They are being given substantial media exposure because people rich and poor alike, come to them for advice on what to do and what to avoid for the coming year so that nice fortunes don't frantically running from them but beggingly coming to them. And what happened to Gloria? I just doubt if she ever got the best advice and offered the most potent charm with all her money to buy much, if not all of Binondo's and Quiapo's  amulets and lucky charms on offer. I once heard one famous Feng Shui store razed by fire and another ransacked by ciminals and never to recover. If only those spirits invoked by Feng Shui were offered the best perks or perhaps a little entertainment, they would have not staged a protest and firmly guarded those stores and not let misfortune ate them up. But don't count  the poor just yet out of the equation, because some of them try, really try, to acquire some prized lucky charms in lieu of canned sardines for a meal. Did they not argue that a meal can be ignored but not the nice fortune that awaits them the entire new year? Ah, only in the Philippines!

I don't mean to advocate sarcasm but here is to tradition that symbolizes our national identity: Those who survived the war zone with limbs still attached and both eyes able to see, happy and prosperous New Year!