For The Love Of Banana

"These fruits and vegetables resemble the male penis and could arouse women or make them think of sex" - A Muslim Cleric

Before this tragic fate of getting to task our scientists and horticulturists to do away with a next-to-impossible mission,  my deep sympathy already goes out to them, well, except if they happen to be non-Muslims, who do not feel obligated obeying a fatwa. If only to be tasked to modify the shape of a banana into something else except its natural shape, then it guarantees some heads spinning or brain cells squirting out of ears and noses, all for the cause of Muslim women who might be in danger of going to hell for a banana-driven sexual fantasy, let alone from humongous ones that are ubiquitously sold at lovely prices anywhere.

For the sake of ensuring chastity among their women, a fatwa has recently been declared that women should keep their fingers off anything that resembles a male reproductive organ so as to avoid sexual thoughts and risk getting dumped into the lake of fire. The fatwa was announced in Europe by an unnamed Muslim cleric and any devout Muslim who shares the same belief is expected to obey. I don't know if this is a cause for celebration for men who envy bananas getting massaged and pressed by women in the supermarkets (to check worthiness), or sad news for women who love their potassium supplement taken from their well-loved Chiquita, Dole or Del Monte brands.

Now the task of reinventing a banana shaped as square or triangle or even a round one rests on the shoulders of  Muslim scientists, who have the moral mandate to uphold the chastity of their women who are prone to temptation by the tasty and shapely bananas. (Or better yet take out the round-shaped from the option as it may still resemble a proud scrotum.) The cleric who issued the fatwa however did not zero in on banana, as zucchini, cucumber, carrots, aubergine (eggplant) and a lot other elongated produce products also qualify for the criteria of being a temptation for women who potentially see these products as penile substitutes. Well, if these are to be eaten other than the conventional way then it surely poses health hazards to women and the cleric certainly has a case. He even went on saying that women should not lay their hands on these fruits and should require someone else to slice it for them, adding that these should be kept from their sight as this easily provoke them into making sexual thoughts.

The article has been shared by as many people on Facebook, who feel the sense of urgency that this fatwa has to be circulated in the earnest so that more Muslim women could be warned of the danger of even touching a banana so as to stop them from free-falling to hell. I have taken note some of their suggestions (and the reasons) that deserve a second look and should have a rightful place in the cleric's list and therefore be taken off from shelves:

•  upo (bottle gourd) and patola (sponge gourd) - more powerful and sturdy
•  Ikea scented candles - easy to cut and shape
•  markers and ballpens - comes in handy at all places
•  energy drinks such as bison and red bull - has no tendency to become flaccid

Though this fatwa certainly is a source of saving grace for Muslim women, vegetable business could soon be  a thing of the past in Muslim countries, given the burning desire by every Muslim woman to avoid the temptation for fear of populating hell. If in the future a rising incidence of suicides among vegetable sellers can be attributed to this fatwa, it will be a difficult situation for Muslim governments that will be faced with  dilemma between upholding the salvation of their women and killing off livelihoods of their small vegetable sellers, who some of them have inherited the trade from their ancestors. I think at this point a government bias needs to take form by prioritizing the salvation of their women from eternal fire over sustaining the livelihood of vegetable sellers, who in turn could be introduced to other trades away from selling bananas, carrots, cucumber and some other 'sinful' elongated vegetable produce.

In fairness to the cleric, he did not say it is haram or unlawful to sell bananas, cucumber, carrots and other vegetables and fruits of similar shape. He only emphasizes that women fondlingly touching these things can be lured into thinking sexual thoughts and therefore risk sinning and will be in  danger of going to hell. So his advice is tantamount to keeping women from entering the vegetable section except if they are able to convince the store-in-charge that they will only lay their eyes on broccoli, water melon and some other leafy stuff that pose no harm to their chastity. 

If this scenario becomes prevalent in the future, I can see supermarkets in Saudi Arabia with their vegetable sections devoid of black-clad shoppers, especially banana section, with a stern warning hanging as boldly, and even bigger than its price that says: "Muslim women are banned within 5 meter-radius except non-Muslim maids". (Non-Muslims are called 'disbelievers' and therefore have no place in paradise, their fate is sealed, hence the exception.) 

In light of the potential complication this fatwa could cause, Muslim women who are die-hard banana lovers in Saudi Arabia are not expected to weep in one corner and may in turn set the following trends:

• Saudi women could suddenly develop an adoration for non-Muslim maids especially Filipino maids, as they will surely be allowed access to well-loved bananas in supermarkets by showing proof they are Christians in their iqama. (Please note that any Muslim woman, Saudi or not, is not allowed to even look at bananas, let alone get close or touch them.)
• There will be a renewed negotiation between Saudi and Philippine governments initiated by the former, to lift the ban on Filipina domestic helpers with the Saudis bowing to the demands by its counterparts to put in place worker's protection and implement salary demands for Filipina household helpers - a move foreseen as a boon for jobless Filipino women - a surprise Saudi concession, all for the love of banana. 
• Indonesian and Filipino drivers will be finding their niche soon around vegetable sections in lieu of their usual routine of huddling around in malls' parking lots and benches as if they are permanent ornaments in squatting position, while waiting for their women bosses do their shopping. Hmm, could be another worthy cause for a wage hike which is not impossible.
• For families without non-Muslim maids, kids may get their early training of picking the best bananas in supermarkets, while their mothers employ a baton-less conductor skills  15 meters away as to which one to pick.
• There will be unreasonably high hoarding incidence of bananas, as mostly Filipino maids are deployed profusely in all supermarkets nationwide and parading home hunched up with loads of bananas. Filipino maids don't always have to go with their masters when they go shopping, so it is understandable that they invade the supermarkets at once and buy tons of bananas for the love of it.
• Expatriate families that cannot afford a maid may soon find themselves paying for a service charge when the nearest baqala (mini-store) salesman delivers a cluster of banana to their doorstep.
• Finally, women may develop a deep interest for banana as to its mystery and why the warning that could send them rolling into hell. In this case, cucumber, carrots, aubergine, sponge gourd and bottle gourd  with their own powerful lure, could give banana a run for its money.

Given the scenarios above, it will be safe to assume that a widespread protest in Chiquita plantations in South America and a similar one in Del Monte in Mindanao is still remotely possible due to massive sacking of their employees. If a status quo remains, except of course for some imminent changes in policies at our favorite supermarkets (re women have limited access to bananas), there is no need to panic just yet as the Gulf region's  favorite bananas are here to stay.

Dear banana, out of sympathy for  these poor women who would soon be bidding farewell to your irresistible taste and seductive form, I wish you were designed into another form not resembling a mighty truncheon that could weaken their resolve. But who am I to question the wisdom of your Creator? It is my wish that not a single Muslim woman  falls into your sexy trap and be thrown into eternal damnation. We also dread the day seeing you transform into another shape as you would certainly lose your appeal. But it's up to Muslim scientists if their skills and knowledge are up to what is required to get you into another form, hmm probably in a shape of a bulb? If anything, the Christian world prefers that you stay as you are...yellow, sweet and long.